I met Maya Angelou in the 1990’s. I sat next to her on a flight. Looking back on it, I would describe it more accurately as “She got stuck next to me on a flight.” She looked very tired and was not in the mood for conversation. Unfortunately for her, that did not stop me from attempting to make conversation. After several failed attempts including such gems as “Yanno, I’m a writer too!” and “You smell really good!” I had an epiphany as I could see the burgeoning contempt she had for me in her eyes. I had become one of those annoying travelers. I learned a valuable lesson about traveling and personal space.
Humor
Chocolate Irony
Here’s what happens when the following sign is placed on your door. Over the course of the next two years, various people in the community (politicians, salespeople, fundraisers, religious converters, service solicitors, and petitioners) come up against it and while they respect the sign – they also remember it. They also tell neighbors and friends. At some point, the neighborhood elementary school decides to have a fundraiser selling chocolate bars. That day was today. I had a lot of visitors.
The World is not ending any time soon (and what I believe to be the “Atheist’s Creed”)
It doesn’t matter who – they are ALL WRONG! The Mayans, the preppers, the Y2K’ers, the Fatalists, etc. Stop worrying and enjoy your life, people. Do we have to go through this for every archaic end-of-world prediction? – http://www.examiner.com/article/ragnarok-end-of-the-world-norse-apocalypse-passes-world-still-here
The world is not coming to end any time soon. Not in our lifetime – not in our children’s or grandchildren’s lifetime (sorry Al Gore.) So enjoy your life people. Worry about your health, yes – but do something about it so you can live longer. But yes, you will die – and I have news for you. That will be it for you most likely. I am afraid there is no heaven. BUT – the good news is there is no hell. That was created by the religious establishment to use fear to keep you both in line (if you had a lack of morality) and/or more importantly – to keep you coming to church and TITHING!
If you are looking for a creed to center you. To reconcile religion and morality. You can’t. You do not have to have religion to have morality. Religion is not true morality. Take a read here:
A sample: ”
Religion cannot and should not be replaced by atheism. Religion needs to go away and not be replaced by anything. Atheism is not a religion. It’s the absence of religion, and that’s a wonderful thing.
Religion is not morality. Theists ask me, “If there’s no god, what would stop me from raping and killing everyone I want to.” My answer is always: “I, myself, have raped and killed everyone I want to … and the number for both is zero.” Behaving morally because of a hope of reward or a fear of punishment is not morality. Morality is not bribery or threats. Religion is bribery and threats. Humans have morality. We don’t need religion.”
Go, I love Penn Jilette (yes, irony intended.)
The Deteriorata
Sorry, Desiderata fans – I could not resist. I first heard this listening to tapes of the National Lampoon Radio Hour:
Specifically, it is a spoof of San Francisco radio and television personality Les Crane’s spoken word recording of Desiderata. It was written by Tony Hendra and recorded by National Lampoon as part of their National Lampoon Radio Dinner album of 1972.
When I first heard it all I could think of was the fact that every other friggin’ dorm room at any given college had that annoying “Desiderata” poster. It became so ubiquitous and cliché that you almost wondered if it was issued to each student.
In retrospect, something such as the Desiderata can serve to cause smug, entitled, 18-year-old college freshman to be even more smug and entitled. Probably more fitting to give to one as a birthday or Christmas gift in that first year after college when still seeking gainful employment – to the one who is heading into their final week of unemployment benefits and getting ready to accept the job paying half of what the former paid – or to the soldier coming home from war.
For the smug, entitled, 18-year-old college freshman – The Deteriorata is much more appropriate:
(National Lampoon)
(You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. Deteriorata, Deteriorata)
Go placidly amidst the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself; and heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss – and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted, that in the face of all irridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.
(You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, The universe is laughing behind your back.)
Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you… That lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the seas of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love, therefore, it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth: the birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan – and let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311, ask for Ken. Take heart in the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.
(You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, The universe is laughing behind your back.)
Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you perceive him to be: hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. GIVE UP!
(You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, The universe is laughing behind your back.)
New American Entropy
Career down? Find God and solicit money like a church!
http://www.popeater.com/2010/04/30/stephen-baldwin-restorestephenbaldwin-org/?ncid=webmaildl2
This Year’s Holiday Miracle (One that will yield hope for us all . . .)
This holiday season, I actually experienced a lot of peace. We hear that a lot around this time of year. But do we actually get it? I gave myself some peace this holiday season. And before you all pass judgment, get worried, and/or feel sorry for me – ask yourself how much peace you had over the holidays this year.
However you define what is peaceful is up to you. For me, a peaceful holiday was not hearing one or more of the following:
Is this all I get?
I can’t believe you voted for that guy!
Will you *please* just talk to my mother?
I’d like to talk to you about this great investment opportunity.
Sure, I’ll lay off the credit card. What will *you* tell the kids?
I can’t believe you sat there and fell asleep on the couch!
S/He’s on the phone and she’s threatening not to come. Can you please talk her down?
Are you *trying* to ruin Christmas?
How can you possibly have voted for that guy! You just *threw* your vote away.
So I hear you work on computers? I’ve got this issue with . . .
Someone’s being a little anti-social!
I think you’ve had enough.
Will you *please* try to be more festive?
Well personally, I think he is doing a pretty good job of protecting the country.
I think I’ve had enough.
They’ll be here in five minutes. Please hide the alcohol!!!
Must you call attention to my sister’s hairstyle? She’s self-conscience enough as it is.
That was supposed to be for the guests!
Please don’t bring up the discussion of her around him this year!
I don’t care if it’s Christmas, there is no way in hell I am doing that!
Why aren’t you playing with the kids?
Are you going to play with the kids all day or are you going to help me?
Merry Christmas, I’m Pregnant!
Why are you checking email? It’s the holidays!!
———-
Now ask yourself this: Did any of you get through the holidays without hearing any of the above?
For those of you interested in wanting to know how I achieved that peace, feel free to inquire off-line.
The 3 Wolf Moon Shirt Continues to Bring Me Fortune . . .
Ah, the Mighty, Powerful 3 Wolf Moon Shirt. Has helped me to attract massive hot female friends on Facebook.
I now have has four words of advice for men out there going up against female divorce attorneys: “Three Wolf Moon Shirt.”
The Power of the 3 Wolf Moon Shirt is intense. So much so that the shirt now comes with a warning label:
There are now even pajamas:
http://www.neatorama.com/2009/12/06/three-wolf-moon-pajamas/
They even come with a trap door so you do not have to take them off.
Channeling Nipsey Russell
Nerdodamus sez: Money, Power, and Fame, trumps all kinds of game! Hey, I made a rhyme, thats cool! Bring on Cornell West and Sharpton!
Nerdodamus is ante-ing up that Bill Clinton is giving Tiger a big “thumbs up.” Oh dear, I am hitting Nipsey Russell territory now . . .
It will cost Tiger 300 million to get himself free. I guess like Santa, he should have stopped with three. ALL HAIL NIPSEY!!! ALL HAIL NIPSEY!!!!
The Prophet Himself . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHDEtSUGCuc
And one final one:
“The opposite of ‘pro’ is ‘con’ This fact is clearly seen – but if ‘progress’ means move forward What does ‘Congress’ mean?” – Nipsey
New Word for the Day: “Ballsheimer’s Disease”
Nerdodamus proclaims a new word: “Ballsheimer’s Disease” – 1.) The arrogant revising of history in spite of evidence to the contrary 2.) Appearing oblivious contrarian statements for the sake of annoyance and aggravation.
A New Obsession with Amazon.com
At this point, I have to admit, I have a new Internet entertainment obsession: Amazon.com. Yes, I know your first reaction would likely be, “who doesn’t?” Well this is a little different from what you would expect and it even does not require the spending of money.
What started it:
A co-worker shared a link on Facebook posted by another co-worker regarding some particularly hilarious Amazon customer reviews. These reviews were of the (apparently now famous/infamous) Mountain Men’s Three Wolf Moon Shirt:
The Mountain Men’s Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee:
Let me first warn you. Before you start perusing the reviews you might be advised upon doing so, the next two to three hours of your day just might be spent. Starting with the first one: “This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened . . .”
I was hooked. I could not stop.
Upon doing some additional binging (no – we don’t “Googel” here) on the web, I discovered this has become quite the internet meme while remaining somewhat underreported. It turns out, the Wolf Moon T-shirt is one of the most popular of this phenom but not the only one.
Numerous references are made to the “Tuscan Whole Milk” customer review page (I know – ordering milk online?)
The Tuscan Whole Milk Reviews
(Heavily popular and well-referenced across the web)
http://www.amazon.com/Tuscan-Whole-Milk-Gallon-128/product-reviews/B00032G1S0
What further amazes me is the fact these are allowed to stay posted. And that’s where the creativity lies. Amazon’s customer review policy only targets the removal of negative and inciddiery reviews that are not directly target at the product itself. Although, many times, this is put to the test and in some of what I read, pretty much this policy has been violated (see Bil Keane below.)
Some reviews are not nearly a bizarre as the product that is beiong reviewed. Did you know Amazon sold Uranium Ore?
http://www.amazon.com/Uranium-Ore/product-reviews/B000796XXM/
Are you in the market for some BIC Pens? Why go to the local Walgreens when you can order from Amazon and – get the inside scoop from customer reviews!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000JTOYLS/
“Very good if you need to write on paper!”
And where else can you get literary perspectives of the King James Bible with varying degrees of intellect:
http://www.amazon.com/Boldtext-Pew-Bible-James-Version/product-reviews/0834003473/
Then we come to the Family Circus Reviews: Someone has serious issues with Bil Keane.
http://www.amazon.com/I-Had-Frightmare-Bil-Keane/product-reviews/0449146154/
http://www.amazon.com/What-Does-This-Say-Keane/product-reviews/0345470303/
And as for the shirt? Yes, I did order one. I mean – who could resist with such stellar reviews!
Nerdodamus 