Humor

Memories of Maya Angelou


I met Maya Angelou in the 1990’s. I sat next to her on a flight. Looking back on it, I would describe it more accurately as “She got stuck next to me on a flight.” She looked very tired and was not in the mood for conversation. Unfortunately for her, that did not stop me from attempting to make conversation. After several failed attempts including such gems as “Yanno, I’m a writer too!” and “You smell really good!” I had an epiphany as I could see the burgeoning contempt she had for me in her eyes. I had become one of those annoying travelers. I learned a valuable lesson about traveling and personal space.

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Chocolate Irony


Here’s what happens when the following sign is placed on your door. Over the course of the next two years, various people in the community (politicians, salespeople, fundraisers, religious converters, service solicitors, and petitioners) come up against it and while they respect the sign – they also remember it. They also tell neighbors and friends. At some point, the neighborhood elementary school decides to have a fundraiser selling chocolate bars. That day was today. I had a lot of visitors.

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The World is not ending any time soon (and what I believe to be the “Atheist’s Creed”)


It doesn’t matter who – they are ALL WRONG! The Mayans, the preppers, the Y2K’ers, the Fatalists, etc. Stop worrying and enjoy your life, people. Do we have to go through this for every archaic end-of-world prediction? – http://www.examiner.com/article/ragnarok-end-of-the-world-norse-apocalypse-passes-world-still-here

The world is not coming to end any time soon. Not in our lifetime – not in our children’s or grandchildren’s lifetime (sorry Al Gore.) So enjoy your life people. Worry about your health, yes – but do something about it so you can live longer. But yes, you will die – and I have news for you. That will be it for you most likely. I am afraid there is no heaven. BUT – the good news is there is no hell. That was created by the religious establishment to use fear to keep you both in line (if you had a lack of morality) and/or more importantly – to keep you coming to church and TITHING!

If you are looking for a creed to center you. To reconcile religion and morality. You can’t. You do not have to have religion to have morality. Religion is not true morality. Take a read here:

http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2013/01/22/is-atheism-a-religion/atheism-should-end-religion-not-replace-it

A sample: ”

Religion cannot and should not be replaced by atheism. Religion needs to go away and not be replaced by anything. Atheism is not a religion. It’s the absence of religion, and that’s a wonderful thing.

Religion is not morality. Theists ask me, “If there’s no god, what would stop me from raping and killing everyone I want to.” My answer is always: “I, myself, have raped and killed everyone I want to … and the number for both is zero.” Behaving morally because of a hope of reward or a fear of punishment is not morality. Morality is not bribery or threats. Religion is bribery and threats. Humans have morality. We don’t need religion.”

Go, I love Penn Jilette (yes, irony intended.)

The Deteriorata


Sorry, Desiderata fans – I could not resist. I first heard this listening to tapes of the National Lampoon Radio Hour:

Specifically, it is a spoof of San Francisco radio and television personality Les Crane’s spoken word recording of Desiderata. It was written by Tony Hendra and recorded by National Lampoon as part of their National Lampoon Radio Dinner album of 1972.

When I first heard it all I could think of was the fact that every other friggin’ dorm room at any given college had that annoying “Desiderata” poster. It became so ubiquitous and cliché that you almost wondered if it was issued to each student.

In retrospect, something such as the Desiderata can serve to cause smug, entitled, 18-year-old college freshman to be even more smug and entitled. Probably more fitting to give to one as a birthday or Christmas gift in that first year after college when still seeking gainful employment – to the one who is heading into their final week of unemployment benefits and getting ready to accept the job paying half of what the former paid – or to the soldier coming home from war.

For the smug, entitled, 18-year-old college freshman – The Deteriorata is much more appropriate:

(National Lampoon)

(You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. Deteriorata, Deteriorata)

Go placidly amidst the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself; and heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss – and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted, that in the face of all irridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.

(You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, The universe is laughing behind your back.)

Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you… That lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the seas of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love, therefore, it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth: the birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan – and let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311, ask for Ken. Take heart in the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.

(You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, The universe is laughing behind your back.)

Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you perceive him to be: hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. GIVE UP!

(You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, The universe is laughing behind your back.)

This Year’s Holiday Miracle (One that will yield hope for us all . . .)


This holiday season, I actually experienced a lot of peace. We hear that a lot around this time of year. But do we actually get it? I gave myself some peace this holiday season. And before you all pass judgment, get worried, and/or feel sorry for me – ask yourself how much peace you had over the holidays this year.

However you define what is peaceful is up to you. For me, a peaceful holiday was not hearing one or more of the following:

Is this all I get?
I can’t believe you voted for that guy!
Will you *please* just talk to my mother?
I’d like to talk to you about this great investment opportunity.
Sure, I’ll lay off the credit card. What will *you* tell the kids?
I can’t believe you sat there and fell asleep on the couch!
S/He’s on the phone and she’s threatening not to come. Can you please talk her down?
Are you *trying* to ruin Christmas?
How can you possibly have voted for that guy! You just *threw* your vote away.
So I hear you work on computers? I’ve got this issue with . . .
Someone’s being a little anti-social!
I think you’ve had enough.
Will you *please* try to be more festive?
Well personally, I think he is doing a pretty good job of protecting the country.
I think I’ve had enough.
They’ll be here in five minutes. Please hide the alcohol!!!
Must you call attention to my sister’s hairstyle? She’s self-conscience enough as it is.
That was supposed to be for the guests!
Please don’t bring up the discussion of her around him this year!
I don’t care if it’s Christmas, there is no way in hell I am doing that!
Why aren’t you playing with the kids?
Are you going to play with the kids all day or are you going to help me?
Merry Christmas, I’m Pregnant!
Why are you checking email? It’s the holidays!!
———-

Now ask yourself this: Did any of you get through the holidays without hearing any of the above?

For those of you interested in wanting to know how I achieved that peace, feel free to inquire off-line.

The 3 Wolf Moon Shirt Continues to Bring Me Fortune . . .


Ah, the Mighty, Powerful 3 Wolf Moon Shirt. Has helped me to attract massive hot female friends on Facebook.

I now have has four words of advice for men out there going up against female divorce attorneys: “Three Wolf Moon Shirt.”

The Power of the 3 Wolf Moon Shirt is intense.  So much so that the shirt now comes with a warning label:

There are now even pajamas:

 http://www.neatorama.com/2009/12/06/three-wolf-moon-pajamas/

They even come with a trap door so you do not have to take them off.